#ive just added a post to my queue where i tagged it with shame

[annagrzinskys]

was just on a call w a friend who moved to france and she reminded me that south africans tend to use "shame" in a nicer way to other people and they sometimes think we're being dicks when we're actually sympathising

[just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi]

Contemplative Raccoon Times pt IV

This is just me talking to myself for like 900 words. Not really story related to anyone. Also me talking about how I interact with NSFW content. 

It’s kinda like a vent? Idk I just like processing this stuff like this so. You’re under no obligation to read it just me talking to myself okie doke drink your water and have a good day loves 💛

I’ve been thinking a lot about the assumptions that I grew up with. I’m not going to get into them, but I was raised pretty conservative. I’m taking this point in my life to really question them and see what I think on subjects. 

I like this world a lot better. 

Lately, the one that I’ve really been looking into is how I relate to sexual or NSFW content. It was something that I was taught to be shunned, to not really be talked about or discussed. And for me, it was really easy to just hand wave. In fact, I didn’t understand why everyone else was so hung up on it?? Like, it’s not that deep?? 

And then I found out I’m Ace lol. Queue the “OHH” sound effect. 

But really tho, it’s just not something I tend to think about. But now, I’m circling in this; “Do i disregard it from pure disinterest or because I’ve been told I should?” 

I like NSFW whump. I follow blogs that mainly do it, I have troupes I like and all that. There is some incredibly fantastic writers in the community and I love them all dearly. Artists and writers and creatives of all types. 

I just can’t write it. I’ve tried, really. I had an old OC that I wrote like 2 pieces for and then I had to scrap because it felt so deeply incorrect for some reason. Again, I like NSFW whump, it was just something about me writing it. I scrapped him. 

If anyone remembers Mark Davies, one of the reasons I had trouble relating to his story was that it included Romantic training in the BBU. I struggled with it, and eventually had to drop him as an OC because of it. 

If it’s just that NSFW is not interesting to me, that’s fine. I don’t really care. BUT, if it’s that I have some sort of hang ups about the “appropriateness” of NSFW whump… mnmnmnm i don’t like that. So i’ve really been thinking and examining how I interact with this type of content. 

And I still don’t know. 

As for me writing it, I think it’s just a side effect of how I write. All of my characters are me. Really. They are all part of my personality that I added other bits to until they seemed like a different person, but I’m the root of their emotions. I find it incredibly therapeutic. 

Silver is that chaotic angry energy from graduating college and then realizing that the world is bigger than you thought and you’ve ignored parts of yourself and other people for so long cause you were told you were supposed to so now you just want to try everything and sure maybe you’re making some dumb choices but they’re your dumb choices and you don’t want to live your life based on other people’s mistakes so you just keep running and going and doing. I’ve settled in that mindset, but I still know it well so whenever I want to write for Silver I use that as a base. He’s me. 

Brody is my people pleasing side. He’s how I dealt with bullies (true story). I used to tell myself/other people “People don’t hit things they think are cute as hard.” It’s the way that I ingratiate myself to people I don’t trust, it’s the only armor I feel like I have sometimes. So, by writing through Brody I get to examine that and grow in it and through it. I get to work through that stuff and have fun while I write! It’s perfect! He’s me. 

Tool/JJ is shame. Just, the shame that I lump onto myself. Academic shame, personal shame, any type of shame. How it controls you and how it can turn yourself into someone else. I haven’t stated a lot their story yet, but I know how they react to things that will happen in the future and I’m laying the groundwork for it now. They’re me. 

Nik… aw sweet baby Nik. Nik came from this inherent feeling of being trapped that I felt for a long time. Of course, I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time but I can see it now. That actually came to light IRL and I dealt with it, but when it comes back up I feel myself gravitating back to Nik. He’s me. 

(That doesn’t mean that every whump piece is me having an existential crisis - just that I tend to build characters off aspects of myself because that makes them easier to relate to. I do just enjoy making up stories and torturing them as well lol) 

So when I look at my characters; they’re all me. And I’m not personally comfortable with/interested in personal sexual expression, and it bleeds over into them. Even when I tried to make an OC specifically for it, it bled over again and I couldn’t go through with it. 

What is the point of this post??? I dunno. I have such a weird push and pull with NSFW whump where I’m right at the line and I suddenly pull away. I’m still not sure where I stand, I’m still not sure how I interact with it. I guess I just wanted to be open and honest with y’all. 

Also the idea of #raccoon after dark is a brilliant name for a NSFW tag and I kinda want to use it.